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[16 Jul 2006|02:41am] |
i am so sorry
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| a mess a mess |
[26 Feb 2006|01:22am] |
eye jellies heavy - like small bugs living in lashes are drinking the moisture away.
cold knees and neck and wrists; slow pulse.
and i long for you to be warm,
and to feel warmth of your hands and chest.
i can't tell you enough,
how i am SO embarrassed to be upset at all...
i thought everything would be better too!
hypothetically, that is..
i always thought if you would only invite me to what you know as home
willingly,
i'd feel better about it all.
until you did and i felt sick and afraid -
more than ever before.
i hated that we arrived and you were so quick to take a fucking hit.
you told me it would happen,
and i suspected i would try it too, but so soon!
my image of you there is no better because you give in so easily!
sure,
when they talk about chemicals, or drunk driving,
you laugh it off and call them stupid (under your breath).
but when it comes down to it,
the minute youre offered something straight up,
youre SO QUICK TO ACCEPT FROM THEM.
and theyre idiots.
and i never knew them as you did,
growing up with them.
and i cry because you make it so that they are all you have.
their humor reminds me of yours when i met you,
which makes me think that you belong with them.
that ive destroyed you.
that every time you go back to them youre kind of..
lost, a little more.
and i would like to try again,
(without your friends)
but i cant now that i hate the smell of pot,
not at all because it feels like breathing sand,
but entirely because it makes you disappear.
im willing to drink again now,
only because i want to be disorientated.
but i'm so afraid to cry.
the worst feeling was when you kept reassuring me
with that: it was only awkward and different,
because i was there at all.
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[12 Dec 2005|12:00am] |
sufjan stevens > all the trees of the forest will clap their hands
heartbeat turn to wing beats with the wine in my head.
so warm through soft cotton
(i kept thinking of flocking swans in the night)
you didn't see the treelights when the rest [of the lights] weren't on.
here is when they glow
quiet pinkorange old and steady.
if i sleep now, i'll search for your wings in my bed.
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| the boy gives up at ten o clock |
[14 Nov 2005|10:52pm] |
please..
i need to go to the beach.
when it snows especially...
maybe?
and somebody said
"it will be much colder there!"
(who was that?)
they were missing the
WHOLE.
POINT.
empty shorelines
and
shouting at the lake
will make everything better.
i think.
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[20 Mar 2005|05:31pm] |
explosions in the sky > your hand in mine
look at the baby snowflakes! tumbling downward to these notes...
[you cant you cant you caaant see. but i am pretending so well]
white blood cells for air streams flakey bits in old mens' beards and rushing little thoughts of everyone on the planet landing in dunes of collective consciousness
and .
im so hungry .
energy has dissipated to tendrils that warble around inside me when i run upstairs...
i ate a bisuit with apple jelly
i feel guilty about everything
i feel like everyone should hate me but wont
she said "were you wearing your clothes?"
and i stared down at my drawing and then smiled and said
"some of them!!"
fuck metaphors.
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[21 Feb 2005|12:06pm] |
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mood |
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tiny vibrating strings |
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my dad picked me up from audreys yesterday and we drove to dundas so he could drop something off for his boss. going down that bumpy steep winding road, through the woods.. i saw a fawn, eating out of someones garden right next to the road. he had the softest looking grey-brown coat and he glanced up at us. our car passed benath a massive grey wasps nest hanging from a limb over the road. something smelled like red wine and then i really wanted that - despite not liking wine at all.
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[09 Feb 2005|05:12pm] |
qotsa > god is in the radio
monday night.
i dreampt about being repeatedly pregnant - though never having a baby - and not realizing i was pregnant until near the end of the dream, when someone in smitty's body wanted to jab me with long silver needles to kill whats inside. And i continually looked down and felt confused by my distorted belly.
there is a large concrete building crumbling at the seams.
im looking out at it, and the sky is a watery-ocean-grey. like milk and water blended.
all the outside walls are missing and i leap miles, from some white ledge into the building.
im in a room with a couch and a shiny black box that is not a television (but is meant to be)...
and a woman sits on a fuzzy red couch in the room adjoined to this one - she has a wide face and round eyes and thin mousy brown hair and a pock-marked face. leaning through a hole in the wall, i tell her im sorry - i was expecting to find my brother.
its okay - shes happy to see me.
i have an empty little wine glass.
youre in the room, standing above me, to the right... its nighttime now. i cant see you in my line of vision, but you have a glass too.
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[05 Feb 2005|03:06pm] |
i dreampt i was at the edge of the escarpment. gramma & papa's old backyard. its nighttime throughout the dream, and the sky is clear - speckled with hundreds of stars. this giant aquatic snail orbits the earth - appearing over tree tops in the west and heading across the sky... i follow with my eyes as it turns into a twisting coloured nebula over the rooftop, and it shrinks in the distance.
coming back again, later in the dream, following the same pattern... this time imploding over the house - becoming a mess of tiny auroras. floating letters made of lights appear. first "S U N", then "G O N E".
later im standing in a shower in a peachy yellow washroom. there is no curtain...nor shower-head - just a white tub in the centre of a tiny room and hot water falling from above. i have a box of little coloured crackers shaped like the faces of famous dictators, and i spill them into the tub - clogging the drain with pastel mush. the tub water rises and the hot rain keeps showering down and im suffocating in the humidity.
then. in space. a large brown spider tells me we need to go to venus - which is gaseous, pale oranges and blues. all the planets are very close together. everything is sickly garrishly cartoony...
we enter the planet's atmosphere and its like falling... being eveloped by soft thick kelp. were pulled into a tiny room, wooden panels and thick white bedsheets. then im sitting at a bench , with a porcelain dish in front of me. dipping fingers in and painting with the liquid inside on the surface of a plastic tablecloth. leslie is next to me and asks to try the liquid. she takes it and drinks it and im horrified because its semen.
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[09 Jun 2004|11:52pm] |
nin > and all that could have been
i was going to put this on your last mix. its much more of.. a summertime song to me, then 'the day the world went away'... but the lyrics were mostly all wrong.
im going to try and dl all the nin songs i lost... theyre so cooling.
i listen to them when its hot out.. and the music wassshhhes through the house, the piano feels like waves and drops and drowning.
.
it means restless shivering love
im so sorry that i pull away from you sometimes. and i know - you dont want me to be, just like i dont want you to be..
but i get upset.. (not really "upset") about you keeping unsent letters and deleting your messages... because its.. ignoring yourself. ignoring what you initially intend to do - holding yourself back.
and then..
thats exactly what i do.
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[24 May 2004|04:36pm] |
morrisey > irish blood, english heart [live]
i dreampt my papa was driving you and i to a garden centre.
when we got there i lost you. hanging from displays inside were long boas of soft pink flowers, and sunlight only entered the bulding in small shafts of light where there were spaces in the boards. my mom showed up and tried to talk to me - she looked very happy. everything was pink and yellow and brown and sparkling and i wanted to leave. you were somewhere outside. i saw you standing in a doorway all dressed in blue. back in the car again - still on our way somewhere? and frustrated on the backseat we kiss.
at school now. the building is tall and crowded with asian people from a club or a gang with a name like "surrey". one girl has coloured beads strung in her hair and shes leading me around desperatley trying to fix something..? theres a guy making fun of her and i scream at him.. i cant remember much of this. the ceilings are very high and full of ancient metal rafters.
the foyer opens out into the street - theres no front to the building and everyone is washed in grey light. sophia is standing on a platform next to a stalky boy with shiny blond hair and they dive into a giant tub of pillows.
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[14 May 2004|03:00am] |
the innocence mission > bright as yellow
foggy hot sickness i slept after you left or i left.. i hung up first right? i always do. thats my job. guess whaaat... right this moment im being productive for the first time all day. starting now - my homework. i think if i finish and if i sleep again ill be okay becuase i am okay... i ate dry dry dry cereal and now i need more water but the tap wont make it cold enough and im too far away and the cats are being funny - climbing in and out the window, leaping onto the desk and then leaving again perfect into thee nighttime darkness.
car tripppss.. road trips are what im imagining because i need to be anywhere else
radiohead > a wolf at the door
ugh.
more often im catching up with myself not often enough.
do whatever you want to.
exactly what it is you need to, and when you do.
we could have been those fish in the deepest depths of the sea that cant see and it doesnt matter because theres never any light and if you take them too far from their homes theyll explode... they need to be under pressure. and no sunlight at all. always dark and blind and heavy and silent. but glowing!!
all of that and then they glow.
its not like they can see each other, glowing.
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[04 May 2004|11:49pm] |
beck > everybody's gotta learn sometime
im listening to this because i like to sing along with it and becuase theres not much else i feel like listening to. i feel like im mourning something. this random sadness, as if something died and i keep forgetting about it and then remembering again.
i keep 'calling up' the image of you at the fire. and drinking sweet chocolate milk in the cold and the jazz music and wind and of course, thee dancing cartons. when i took awhile to climb over and join you... climbing over the fence was one of the best feelings.
it ended. the song, i just started it again.
i came here with nothing to say. but i came here anyway.
its so hard not to cry.
i made supper tonight, and couldnt find anything to lift the raw chicken out the package with. ive dont remember picking up raw meat before.
its so much more recognizable as something that was alive. but so cold.
soemtimes amanda goes off on tangents when she talks, and no one really has anything worthwhile to reply with. natalie and i will act all retarded, jess just kind of nods and smiles. and i wonder what her old firends are like. and i wonder if she misses intelligent conversation or not. today she was getting upset about ciggarette comapnies making profits off us buying ice cream and peanut butter. and i couldnt make myself care. (about the issue - not her)
"and i need your lovin, like the sunshine... everybody's gotta learn sometime"
when i was walking home today, a man i didnt recognise was walking down the street with his dog. he looked really happy. the dog even looked happy. to me, this was really cool. happy people on the street.
ahahaa...
the musics fading out again.
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[28 Apr 2004|12:28am] |
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music |
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leetle songlets in mee headspace |
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*pause*
*stare*
*nothing*
i had a shower. and for the entire time, i thought about electricity and heat and how spoons get hotter when left in tea (convection? conduction?.. grade 5 science terms escape me).
but really. of all the things to think about in the shower. i am THAT boring.
i spent a while on the floor in my room, snipping pictures out of the national geographic magazines and arranging them on my floor (for use in collages at some point)... and. a picture of someone from a magazine dated 1963 could lay next to one from 1992... i could put them together in a collage and one of them may not have even been alive at the time the second picture was taken. but no one would ever know.
all of time is meshed together. right now. on my bedroom floor.
either my brother or my dad bought a plant because they think its neat. its in here now, on top of the scanner (im guessing this wont be its permantent home)... a pitcher plant(?). they eat bugs. a'la the venus fly trap. but scarier.
i dont like carnivorous plants and the slow way they kill creatures.
when i was little i hated them.
now i just...
dont want it here.
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[25 Apr 2004|03:52pm] |
nirvana > verse chorus verse
according to dictionary.com, i dont believe in god.
i always saw god - not as a perfect supernatural creator of everything - but more like... the "essence" of everything. which contradicts its very definition.
i was eating a stir fry.
rice and vegetables and pork.
then the "morbid imagination" kicks in, and i start thinking about pigs.
i didnt like that id never known the animal i was eating.
and. hahahaha - i dont mean like, "hi pig, my names heather! whats yours?"
but...
where and how it lived, when it died and what that was like.
when people had to hunt their own food, they knew these things about what they were going to eat.
which i think would stop people from over-eating.
or just. not appreciating where their food comes from.
nancy sinatra > bang bang
there is a goldfinch outside. right now. at the top of the cherry tree.
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[22 Apr 2004|03:59pm] |
jethro tull > the whistler
we would live a long time ago in a little village by some mountains with a farm nearby that has brown chickens and goats and i know how to knit things and you know how to do anything you want to... theres more ghost stories alive and bright bright starshine and company so even at night theres people you know, and you love more and live more.
pearl jam > garden
i had ice cream for lunch today. it stayed in one piece!
i keep closing my eyes to images from my dream. struggling honey bees and coco sick in my bed on soft pink sheets. unhappy creatures.
i was doing my mom's hair the other night. she was asking why im so tired. "is it because you can't sleep unless you're on the couch with brandon?" and she giggles. and i say nothing. just. keep curling. avoid burning. and then try to sleep.
natalie is so beautiful. i was watching the snail tree video. and her hair is blowing everywhere.
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[19 Apr 2004|10:54pm] |
my dad left open a gardening site... violet pin-cushion-shaped flowers with the name, "Scabious Misty Butterflies".
looking at the title in the task bar, flowers were the last thing i expected. and kind of dissapointing.
feeeeling rather feverish... hot and cold.
did i tell you i had dreams where i tried to kiss you and you pulled away?
two different dreams. grade ten and grade eleven. then and now and now and then.
i find myself turning to sadness - because i think its easier for us to accept being sad then being happy. so then im all.. nonono.. SELF. "SEE THE BEAUTIFUL THINGS!?". and uh...self replies, "how could i not?"
(with like, an attempted british accent and sticking-out-pinky-fingers)
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[14 Apr 2004|04:41pm] |
i am happy. iii... am a happy person.
radiohead > knives out
ive been infatuated with sunlight my whole life. memories split into chunks of colour and light, smearing over landscapes of pavement. i remember so many things vaguely. the things youre not expected to ever remember linger there like dreams youve almost lost and i grasp to find them again.
i hate the idea of losing them.
sometimes i imagine the past as something solid and tangible.
do you realize its gone, entirely?
youll never have now again.
its so obvious and simple and im kind of embarrassed about how it blows my mind, still.
nin > the fragile
we have so little time.
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[07 Apr 2004|04:54pm] |
elton john > mona lisas & mad hatters
walking home i could hear people a little behind me, walking to their homes, talking to each other. i was glad to be ahead of them, thinking to myself and feeling the sunlight and watching shadows and the grass glowing bright green. i actually felt thankful to be alone.
there was a honeybee on the crocuses.
i dropped my bag inside, and went in the backyard, the cat followed me out. we walked around the yard together - chiku and i.
i liked the new growth, amoungst the dried sticks of last years plants. at my garden, i tested myself, remembering the names of all the plants by their dead gangly stems.
we played tag and sat together on the deck and her eyes were tiny slits in bright blue under the sun.
rasputina > golden grains
i want to go back to the beginning. not my own.
but of people.
something far before now.
even if its just, when theres only firelight and well water and home-made everything. not too far. but far enough that we only have what we need.
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[07 Apr 2004|12:58am] |
semisonic > closing time
being outdoors and being with my PEERS lifts me up like you wouldnt believe.
mood swings, my friend.
you musn't worry yourself so much with me - because then i feel like a burden to you.
when i close my eyes i see the backsides of fern leaves dotted with tiny spores. little black dots. they terrified me when i was little. ferrrrn leaves.
theyre pretty though.
they still scare me.
unjustified fear bubbling up in my core.
sleep makes me so anxious. when everyone starts to get ready for bed and slowly people drop offline, the moon appears, and my heart starts to race because i know its time for me to join in getting ready- but im not going to.
after staying up for long periods of time i think im going to have a heart attack. i need people to calm me down. i need not to be alone, for i am a pack animal.
coldplay > easy to please
my ankle is stinging. i cut it badly while shaving. it didnt stop bleeding for a long time. actually its three cuts. three tiny cuts.
one minute and forty-something seconds into this song, i think i hear a phone ringing. everytime.
the song has everything though... warbley sounds, and simple lyrics, wind and water, piano + guitar... textured background sounds.
im so obsessed with lullabies and little stories.
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[17 Aug 2003|11:50pm] |
belle and sebastian > dog on wheels
i never forgot this was here, i just thought to post again would be to add to something that was such utter shit it would muddle up anything said now. promise me youll always be around when i fall, and when i call i dont want to be dependant. thats scary. so is independence. everything is scary. existence is.
the only way to have a really good relationship,
is to be truly in love,
and for at least one person to be really brave.
because when youre really in love, doing anything is scary.
and when youre not, then nothings bound to last.
church > under the milky way
i dont like being melodramatic. and reading melodramatic things.
i dont like paranoia. or chocolate.
thats all i can think of. right now.
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